omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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