Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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