dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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