I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
there is puke in my bra ... again
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