so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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