The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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