Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
