Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
