you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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