my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
