The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
