her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
