omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
