just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
