Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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