Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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