what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
