i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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