She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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