Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
