There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
