The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
