so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
