I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
