he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
