he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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