If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So squirting runs in the family.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
