sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
