Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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