Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
