and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
