My Higher Power is John Stamos
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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