Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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