Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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