see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
