You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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