I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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