when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
