Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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