I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My feet surprised me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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