I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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