I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?