is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.