happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
