I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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