i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
