If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
