The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
