new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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