she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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