Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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