i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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