I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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