he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
